denied.

what i wouldn't give to be independently wealthy right about now.

in order to fund my alternative practicum in mexico for three weeks in march, i applied for a bursary through the university. the whole process of applying was very bureaucratic and specific - it was very frustrating to put together an application when three people were guiding me in different directions. i began to doubt my wording and my overall vision, ennerved by the overtly political process. in the end, however, i handed in an application i was generally proud of - i believe i had an interesting, dynamic, unique learning project on the incorporation of community service in international schools.

in my inbox this evening, an e-mail beginning, "we regret to inform you..." arrived. at least they put the "we regret to inform you..." in the first line so i didn't have to read on with false hopes! the application was unsuccessful. no explanation. i am left with no sense of what i did wrong, or by extension, what they were looking for in an ideal application. i thought my application was thought-provoking and interesting, but i am sure it was only one of many! i sat at the computer and realized i had become completely unenriched by the process. it is true -- if successful i would have 600 dollars in my hand -- but it is worth it to spend countless hours applying for bursaries, writing essays and answering questions only to be rejected with no further comment? i realize that this is the real world, not grade two, but it is very discouraging to have direction, motivation and an adventurous spirit - yet in the academic world, that is clearly not enough. perhaps they wanted a proposal with a more rigid academic framework, or a more thorough investigation of an educational question. i am no academic -- i love working with children and i love travelling -- and working abroad would merge my two passions. at what age did pure passion leave the equation? the best teachers are not necessarily the most academic, the best educators simply have a pure love for what they do.

ultimately, i will be going on my alternate practicum regardless of this disappointing setback. i know that it may not be the most financially viable plan, but this is something that is important to me, and i will not let a group of academics who read about me on paper get me down.

anyone need a babysitter?

the comfort zone.

teacher's college is a life of constant transition. however, it is not a wandering/adventurous type of change, it is an unsettling/disrupting life of back and forth. my time is divided between classes at the faculty in kingston, and my practicums in ottawa. the problem is, we only spend a few weeks in each location. as soon as i am getting settled, comfortable with one housing situation, connected with a group of friends/colleagues and falling into a routine - it all ends, i get uprooted, and i have to start again.

there is no way that we can be operating at full capacity with this level of disruption in our lives. while i have never been someone who needs stability (in fact, i reject the claustrophobia of a safe, comfortable life), i would rather be constantly on the move, or temporarily settled. the courses at the faculty are (for the most part) painfully boring, but my time in kingston has been redeemed by new friends and some inspiring profs. teaching in ottawa is exhausting, and it feels weird to be back in barrhaven, but it is wonderful to be reconnecting with old friends and working with kids full-time. neither is perfect, but this balance between the two is not really creating an equilibrium in my life.

i am realizing more and more that i am craving something -- that i am lacking something in my life -- and i am still not quite sure what it is. i crave a comfort zone, but in a sense i ultimately reject the very notion as it feels mundane.

my classes at the faculty end tomorrow and i am heading back to ottawa for my next placement which begins on monday. but first, i am heading to burlington and st. catherines for some quality extended family time. saturday i will get to see my 'little' brother on stage and bear witness how cool he has become, leaving me his dust!